FROM THE MAGAZINE that has brought you articles such as“25 ways to blow his mind with your mouth, “10 epic sex moves”, and “How to talk dirty” comes… career advice…?
This is an interesting addition by Cosmo and let me be the first to
say, PLEASE DO NOT GET YOUR CAREER ADVICE FROM THE MAGAZINE THAT HAS MADE ITS NAME BY
GIVING SEX ADVICE TO TEENAGERS.
Here is how I imagine Cosmo’s career advice by extrapolating
from cosmo’s previous articles.
Potential articles for the new Cosmo career advice series:
1). 10 epic career moves.
o
These are regular career moves with the word “epic”
thrown in front of them. IE the epic account coordinator job that eats your soul. That sort of thing.
o
This one is just an ad for Maybelline.
3). Is your career really into you?
o
The idea is to take the attributes of an
individual and put them into a company and then make you feel super self-conscious
about it. IE “ I took a sick day and my career didn't even call to see how I was
doing or make me any soup..”, “My career has been interviewing other candidates.
I've been trying to dress extra sexy for it, but nothing seems to work."
4). Career moves that will blow his mind.
o
This article should be about confidence in the
workplace and taking chances to move up in the career of your dreams, but
instead it’s just about how wearing high heels in the office makes you look “fierce”….
You know, like Beyonce.
5). 4 careers your mother would not approve of.
o
A profile of four vague careers. IE The cool career,
the stoner career, the older career…
6). Which panties to wear for your first day of
work.
o
The article will then go on to argue that your
fav panties will make you feel powerful and confident and that even though no
one will see them they are important. .. they are not. Just wear a nice blouse or a Hillary Clinton
power suit… Actually, sure, sexy panties are fine.
7). Make work hotter.
o
This one’s about flirting with your hot
co-worker by making silly gestures and googly eyes at him, but then never
sleeping with him and just constantly fantasying about it. What actually
happens is you both get drunk at a work function one night and end up sleeping together
and then feel awkward about it for the rest of the time you both work at the company. Mean while, the rest of the office gossips about how Rick from the analytics team definitely
saw you guys get into a cab together. Luckily, you had on your sexy panties
though.
8). How to look sexy on PowerPoint.
o
This article is a picture of 5 different poses
for photos that it claims to be sexy, but also professional and safe for work.
As long as NONE OF THEM ARE THE DUCK FACE then I am happy.
9). Clues that your work is cheating on you.
o
Cosmo has worked hard to make you paranoid about
this in your personal life it is only fair to carry that fear over to your professional
relationships.
§
Do you see people you don’t recognize walk
through your office wearing fancy outfits?
§
Does your work have private phone calls without
you?
§
Did no one tell you there was cake in the
kitchen?
10). An interview with 5 hot guys on what they
look for in a career.
o
They are all models. The interview is just about
what foods they pretend they eat and how they like to travel. You don’t read
the article anyway. You just look at the pictures in which they are sitting
shirtless in a cubicle. A move that is never hot in real life.
11). Epic career fails.
o
“My boss asked me for a progress report, but
instead I gave him an expense report. I was so embarrassed”. Again, these are
just regular mistakes we make at a new job, but with the word “epic” thrown in
front of them. Inevitably, the last mistake would include something like, “My
boss wanted me to book his flight to a conference in Vegas, but instead I gave
him a blow job”. Yes, much more interesting. No, still not career advice.
12). Sexy VS. Skanky career moves.
o
Anything Kate Upton, Kerry Washington, or
Natalie Portman does is sexy and anything a celebrity does that Cosmo finds did soft core
porn or a B movie at some point during their career is skanky. Cosmo tends to
forget that most of their readers are not models or celebrities.
13). Advice for taking selfies at your first
career.
o
Don’t.
