Oh, the dreaded boyfriend intervention. The event where you formally call out your overweight, unemployed boyfriend for not changing into the person you tried to make him- The last resort. We get it. Your friends are judging you and you are running out of time. Don’t get too desperate and drop to the level of following Cosmo’s advice though. I still have your back!
When He’s Gained A Lot of Weight.
Yes, Cosmo, I would say the absolute best strategy for
letting your boyfriend know that you think he’s becoming fat and unattractive
is to lead with, “Your body is bumming me out”. What a very tactful approach.
Don’t ease into it at all. Just go right for the kill. No need to make him
think you give a shit about his feelings.
If a guy said that to his girlfriend that would be the start of an epic fight...wait, no, an epic battle.. as it should be. You might as well just start off the conversation with “I think you are a fat piece of shit”. Let’s use some tact here, Cosmo. Men have feelings too!
How about starting with something more subtle like:
- I’m going to the gym. Want to come?
- I feel like you used to be so much more active. What happened?
- I miss your muscles (assuming he had any).
- How do you put that in your body? Do you know how bad bacon covered [insert awesome sounding combination here] is for you?
- Just start cooking him healthy foods and force feed him.
- Challenge him to a diet where the winner gets a sex prize.. (that sounds up Cosmo’s alley).
- Lead by example!
- Say literally anything besides “your body is bumming me out”.
When He Won’t Get A Job.
The good news is that Cosmo recommends a bit of a softer approach
with this subject by “bringing it up gently” and “complementing him instead of
insulting him”. I’m not sure why this is the strategy for an intervention around
unemployment while the strategy for bringing up weight gain to your boyfriend
is to immediately insult him.. However,
the rest of their advice is.. well.. awful. Cosmo recommends that you bring your boyfriend to your
work happy hours so that he can network. DO NOT BRING HIM TO WORK HAPPY HOURS. Are you kidding me? So you can show off your unemployed
boyfriend? You do not want to mix those two worlds. That is dangerous territory.
The best case scenario is that he gets a job there. The worst case scenario is
also that he gets a job there.
I am sure you all saw that comment coming… and there is a
reason for that. Everyone knows that work relationships are a bad idea. In this
situation you would be creating the ultimate work relationship. Yes, maybe he
will get a job, but at what cost? I have had two separate workplace relationships.
Both of which blew up in my face almost immediately. All I have gotten from them are two stories
about failed workplace relationships (great stories though).
In the end, you started dating this guy for whatever reason.
Whether he was unemployed when you met, recently lost his job, or is trying to
make a career change if you don’t feel like you should support your mooching
boyfriend then dump his ass. Women have been mooching off of men for centuries
and you don’t see us complaining. In fact, most of the reason we make money is
to attract women. The only reason guys own nice things or dress in fancy
clothing is for women. When I’m alone in my apartment I’m not wearing any
shirts that involve buttons. In fact, I’m probably wearing clothing that I have
hoarded from middle school. As a guy, I don’t decorate my home for myself or my
guy friends. All I really need is an AC and a television. If it was at least somewhat socially
acceptable, I’d live in a box with just an AC unit and a television and my guy
friends would come over and be like, "sweet TV. Your box has great circulation". Of
course, I would never do that, but a guy can dream.
In conclusion, if you want to bring up a touchy subject about
your boyfriends self-improvement don’t take Cosmo’s advice. Instead, just treat
him how you would want to be treated. BOOM. Advice served.
