Cosmo list’s ten “epic” sex moves that it says will turn your
sex life from “good” to “whoa”. The moves are not so much epic as they are just
things that some people do sometimes while having sexual relations. Unlike Cosmo,
I would not define eye contact or removing someone’s clothing in a slow manner
as “epic”. I am, admittedly, no expert on epic sex positions, as most of my sex
moves are just variations of missionary. However, to me, an epic sex move should
at least involve a chandelier or some sort of sex device that I have never
heard of.
I was going to create a list of 10 actual epic sex moves, but
I was afraid my imagination might scare people. So, in that light, I have
removed the word “epic” and created my own list of sex moves that many of us
have used and/or encountered over our sexually active lifetime, that Cosmo may
or may not define as epic.
Since it’s the holidays and this is my last post of 2013, I have
added two bonus moves to the list. You are very welcome!
1. Get their clothes off as quickly as possible
before they change their mind. According to our in the field researchers,
people have a harder time turning back once they cross a certain threshold.
Being completely naked is one of those thresholds. I’m pretty sure this was
covered by Malcolm Gladwell in his book “The Tipping Point”.
2. Tease him with your mouth. Before you make it into the bedroom, talk about all the hot and sexy things you want to do to him, but once you actually get down to it be sure to not do any of them. HELLOOO NURSSEE.
3. Ambush him in his A.M. show and make him hurry up because you are also late for work. That’s what happens when you try and get a quickie in when you wake up in the morning. Still always worth it.
4. Lead him on, but don’t let sex occur. This will lead to eventual frustrated dry humping, a game of just the tip, and ultimately a quick and shameful jerk off session for him in the bathroom before he explodes.
5. Get crazy...like scary crazy. Start with requesting him to bite your nipple.. hard. Then lick his entire body while maintaining a crazy look in your eyes (this is important). From there don’t hold back from your craziest, wildest fantasies. Just see how uncomfortable you can make him. Maybe see how many fingers he will let you fit in his.. never mind.
6. Finish yourself off when he can’t get the job done. Once he’s finished, or you feel his feeble attempts at pleasuring you have gone on long enough, just do it yourself and ignore the fact that he is even still in the room.
7. Pretend you are with someone else. Close your eyes and pretend you are with your favorite celebrity, your high school crush, or ex lover. This method can be effective whether you are with a one night stand or your lover of 15 years. He will never have to know.. unless you accidentally shout out that person’s name, then he might catch on.
8. Wear your grandma underpants because it was laundry day and you didn’t think your date would get to this point. Now try and get them off without him seeing them.
9. Hook-up like awkward high schoolers. Giggle A LOT whenever he touches your body or removes an article of clothing. Have him struggle with taking off your bra. Once he successfully snaps your bra off using only one hand, be sure you both cheer. As a bonus, play the Dawson’s Creek theme song on loop in the background. Crying can also be fun here.
10. Avoid eye contact. Especially when you are trying to finish. The idea of him watching you will only distract you from the task at hand and make you feel self-conscious. Just drift away to your magic place. He will be too busy happily having sex with a woman to notice.
BONUS:
11. Keep your socks on. Socks do not alter or prevent the act of sex from occurring in any way, so why bother even removing them? Plus, they are a pain to find once you are retrieving your clothing in an awkward frenzy because one of you accidentally blurted out “I love you” or brought up an ex while cuddling. Unless there’s some sort of foot fetish thing happening, there is no reason to remove your socks. Warm feet are happy feet.
12. Make farting noises by pushing your chests or pelvises together until one of you laughs. This tends to happen in the sweaty heat of the moment. Embrace it. You can even make a game out of it to see who cracks first. Farting noises are always funny even during sex.. ALWAYS.
