HERE IS AN ORIGINAL SKETCH BASES ON COSMOS 8 TIPS FOR HOW TO TALK DIRTY:
Boyfriend and girlfriend are heavily making out in bed.
Girlfriend suddenly stops and looks at boyfriend.
GIRLFRIEND
So, I was reading cosmo today.
BOYFRIEND
Oh, god. Please not another cosmo
quiz.
GIRLFRIEND
No, its not. I know thing's
have been kind of dull in our sex
lives recently, and I read an
article in cosmo that I think can
help spice things up.
BOYFRIEND
What do you mean our sex lives have
been dull? I think things have been
fine.
GIRLFRIEND
Just trust me. This will be good
for us.
BOYFRIEND
Ahhh, OK
START SIMPLE
GIRLFRIEND
I like your body
BOYFRIEND
Ooo, I like your body too.
GIRLFRIEND
I think about you at work.
BOYFRIEND
I think about you all the time at
work, babe.
GIRLFRIEND
Oh yea, what do you think about?
BOYFRIEND
Your smooth, sexy legs and soft
lips. What do you think about?
GIRLFRIEND
I think about your hard cock and
how you are sometimes late for
work.
BOYFRIEND
Huh?
CREATE AN ALTER EGO
GIRLFRIEND
I'm your boss, George and I'm
going to have to reprimand you for
your tardiness. What do you think
I should do?
BOYFRIEND
I don't know. I'm very confused.
Maybe not talk about my boss while
we are in bed together?
GIRLFRIEND
Come on, just go with it. Do it for
me. For us. I need you to take this
seriously.
BOYFRIEND
OK. Fine. I'll do it for you.
GIRLFRIEND
So, how do you think I should
punish you?
BOYFRIEND
Umm, like a firm warning I guess
should be fine.
GIRLFRIEND
How about you take your underwear
off and I spank you for every
minute you were late today, and
then we go file some T.P.S reports.
Would you like that?
BOYFRIEND
Not at all. This whole combining
sex and work scenario is making me
feel pretty uncomfortable to be
honest.
GIRLFRIEND
Fine. Well, do you know what I
want?
BOYFRIEND
What?
ASK FOR WHAT FEELS GOOD
GIRLFRIEND
I want you to grow your dick by two
inches with a little stem growing
out of the side to stimulate my
clitoris and I want you to make it
vibrate inside of me while I slowly
wash my hair in a hot, steamy
shower.
BOYFRIEND
I think you just described the
rabbit vibrator and a herbal
essence commercial. But yea, I
can't change my dick's size or shape sooo..
GAUGE HIS DIRTY TALK THRESHOLD
GIRLFRIEND
Fine, what do you want me to do to
you then?
BOYFRIEND
OK, I can get into this. I want you
to slowly undress me and then
undress yourself while I watch.
GIRLFRIEND
Is that as dirty as you get?
BOYFRIEND
And then I want you to play with my
balls.
GIRLFRIEND
Ooo, do you want me to suck on them
as well?
BOYFRIEND
Yea, sure.
GIRLFRIEND
Yea, you want to choke me with your
balls while I finger your ass?
BOYFRIEND
What?! Where did that come from?
Wait, are you still my boss?
GIRLFRIEND
I'm whoever you want me to be.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT SOUNDING SILLY
GIRLFRIEND
You want me to be a big furry Elmo,
huh? And tickle your ass with a
feather while you braid my hair? I
can do that for you.
BOYFRIEND
What's up with you and my ass? I
asked to braid your hair one time
and I regret it. I just want to
have sex with you like we normally
do. Maybe do doggy style for a
little bit longer. We can even try
backwards cow girl or something.
Girlfriend gives boyfriend disappointed look.
BOYFRIEND (CONT'D)
And we can sprinkle in a few dirty
words.
GIRLFRIEND
OK
Boyfriend and girlfriend start making out again. Boyfriend
starts to kiss girlfriends neck.
GO AHEAD-TRY A FOUR LETTER WORD
GIRLFRIEND
Shit
(beat)
Shit
(beat)
Shit
Boyfriend starts to work his way down girlfriends body.
GIRLFRIEND (CONT'D)
Shit, fuck, cock, balls, shit,
cunt..
BOYFRIEND
Holy crap. Do you have turrets?
What's going on?
GIRLFRIEND
I'm just following Cosmo's advice.
I want to make you happy.
BOYFRIEND
I thought we talked about you not
taking these Cosmo articles too
seriously. Remember when you got
kicked out of Macy's because you
read that article about 10 epic sex
moves?
GIRLFRIEND
I just thought it would ease your
nerves if I showed you them on a
mannequin first.
(beat)
But you're right. This is stupid.
I'm just stupid.
BOYFRIEND
No, don't say that. This was a good
idea. We just need to slow things
down a little bit.
GIRLFRIEND
OK. Well, Cosmo had two more tips
that I think will work.
BOYFRIEND
Alright, let's do it. As long as
you don't pretend to be my male
boss again.
GIRLFRIEND
I won't. I promise
CRIB SOME HOT DIALOGUE
Girlfriend jumps on top of boyfriend and rubs his body
sensually as she speaks.
GIRLFRIEND (CONT'D)
(said in a seductive and sexy
voice)
1,500 people went into the
sea when Titanic sank from under
us. There were 20 boats floating
nearby and only one came back. One.
Six were saved from the water,
myself included.
Six - out of 1,500. Afterward, the
700 people in the boats had nothing
to do but wait - wait to die, wait
to live, wait for an absolution
that would never come.
BOYFRIEND
(confused) Was that just a random
monologue from the movie Titanic?
Why would you even memorize that?
GIRLFRIEND
Holy shit! What time is it? I'm
late for an appointment.
BOYFRIEND
At 10 pm?
MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEET.
GIRLFRIEND
Here's $8 for a ride home
BOYFRIEND
I live here. We live together
Girl friend starts to leave.
GIRLFRIEND
Oh, and by the way I fucked your
best friend.
BOYFRIEND
Tom!? You had sex with Tom!?
BLACK OUT.
