How to Talk Dirty - An original sketch inspired by Cosmo.

It is a time honored tradition for cosmo to instill such sage advance around our sex lives. We have all wondered how things would play out  if an individual took this advice a little too seriously (which I am sure has happened more often than we would like to acknowledge). So, in that spirit

HERE IS AN ORIGINAL SKETCH BASES ON COSMOS 8 TIPS FOR HOW TO TALK DIRTY:

               Boyfriend and girlfriend are heavily making out in bed.
               Girlfriend suddenly stops and looks at boyfriend.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         So, I was reading cosmo today.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Oh, god. Please not another cosmo
                         quiz.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         No, its not. I know thing's
                         have been kind of dull in our sex
                         lives recently, and I read an
                         article in cosmo that I think can
                         help spice things up.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         What do you mean our sex lives have
                         been dull? I think things have been
                         fine.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Just trust me. This will be good
                         for us.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Ahhh, OK


               START SIMPLE

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I like your body

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Ooo, I like your body too.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I think about you at work.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         I think about you all the time at
                         work, babe.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Oh yea, what do you think about?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Your smooth, sexy legs and soft
                         lips. What do you think about?

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I think about your hard cock and
                         how you are sometimes late for
                         work.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Huh?


                CREATE AN ALTER EGO

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I'm your boss, George and I'm
                         going to have to reprimand you for
                         your tardiness. What do you think
                         I should do?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         I don't know. I'm very confused.
                         Maybe not talk about my boss while
                         we are in bed together?

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Come on, just go with it. Do it for
                         me. For us. I need you to take this
                         seriously.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         OK. Fine. I'll do it for you.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         So, how do you think I should
                         punish you?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Umm, like a firm warning I guess
                         should be fine.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         How about you take your underwear
                         off and I spank you for every
                         minute you were late today, and
                         then we go file some T.P.S reports.
                         Would you like that?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Not at all. This whole combining
                         sex and work scenario is making me
                         feel pretty uncomfortable to be
                         honest.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Fine. Well, do you know what I
                         want?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         What?


               ASK FOR WHAT FEELS GOOD

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I want you to grow your dick by two
                         inches with a little stem growing
                         out of the side to stimulate my
                         clitoris and I want you to make it
                         vibrate inside of me while I slowly
                         wash my hair in a hot, steamy
                         shower.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         I think you just described the
                         rabbit vibrator and a herbal
                         essence commercial. But yea, I
                         can't change my dick's size or shape sooo..


               GAUGE HIS DIRTY TALK THRESHOLD

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Fine, what do you want me to do to
                         you then?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         OK, I can get into this. I want you
                         to slowly undress me and then
                         undress yourself while I watch.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Is that as dirty as you get?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         And then I want you to play with my
                         balls.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Ooo, do you want me to suck on them
                         as well?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Yea, sure.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Yea, you want to choke me with your
                         balls while I finger your ass?

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         What?! Where did that come from?
                         Wait, are you still my boss?

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I'm whoever you want me to be.


               DON'T WORRY ABOUT SOUNDING SILLY

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         You want me to be a big furry Elmo,
                         huh? And tickle your ass with a
                         feather while you braid my hair? I
                         can do that for you.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         What's up with you and my ass? I
                         asked to braid your hair one time
                         and I regret it. I just want to
                         have sex with you like we normally
                         do. Maybe do doggy style for a
                         little bit longer. We can even try
                         backwards cow girl or something.

               Girlfriend gives boyfriend disappointed look.

                                   BOYFRIEND (CONT'D)
                          And we can sprinkle in a few dirty
                         words.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         OK

               Boyfriend and girlfriend start making out again. Boyfriend
               starts to kiss girlfriends neck.


               GO AHEAD-TRY A FOUR LETTER WORD
                     
                                  GIRLFRIEND
                         Shit
                             (beat)
                         Shit
                             (beat)
                         Shit

               Boyfriend starts to work his way down girlfriends body.

                                   GIRLFRIEND (CONT'D)
                         Shit, fuck, cock, balls, shit,
                         cunt..

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Holy crap. Do you have turrets?
                         What's going on?

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I'm just following Cosmo's advice.
                         I want to make you happy.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         I thought we talked about you not
                         taking these Cosmo articles too
                         seriously. Remember when you got
                         kicked out of Macy's because you
                         read that article  about 10 epic sex
                         moves?

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I just thought it would ease your
                         nerves if I showed you them on a
                         mannequin first.
                             (beat)
                         But you're right. This is stupid.
                         I'm just stupid.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         No, don't say that. This was a good
                         idea. We just need to slow things
                         down a little bit.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         OK. Well, Cosmo had two more tips
                         that I think will work.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Alright, let's do it. As long as
                         you don't pretend to be my male
                         boss again.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         I won't. I promise


               CRIB SOME HOT DIALOGUE

               Girlfriend jumps on top of boyfriend and rubs his body
                sensually as she speaks.

                                   GIRLFRIEND (CONT'D)
                         (said in a seductive and sexy
                         voice)
                         1,500 people went into the
                         sea when Titanic sank from under
                         us. There were 20 boats floating
                         nearby and only one came back. One.
                         Six were saved from the water,
                         myself included.
                         Six - out of 1,500. Afterward, the
                         700 people in the boats had nothing
                         to do but wait - wait to die, wait
                         to live, wait for an absolution
                         that would never come.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         (confused) Was that just a random
                         monologue from the movie Titanic?
                         Why would you even memorize that?

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Holy shit! What time is it? I'm
                         late for an appointment.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         At 10 pm?


               MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEET.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Here's $8 for a ride home

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         I live here. We live together

               Girl friend starts to leave.

                                   GIRLFRIEND
                         Oh, and by the way I fucked your
                         best friend.

                                   BOYFRIEND
                         Tom!? You had sex with Tom!?

                                                             BLACK OUT.

The First 20 minutes of a date: A guy’s perspective.

To be honest, I believe that the first 20 minutes of a date are overrated. Girls tend to over think EVERYTHING and guys tend to not think very much at all. The first 20 minutes of meeting someone should not make or break a potential relationship, but obviously a bad first impression creates a large hole to dig your way out of.

Cosmo gave us the first 20 minutes of a date from a girl’s perspective. Here are the first 20 minutes from a guy’s point of view.

2 to 4 seconds in.

“Hey, how are you? It’s nice to meet you”. That takes about 4 seconds when said into a tape recorder while sitting at your desk (Just trying to be thorough).  Cosmo claims that during this time-period a woman’s brain is “working two fold” to judge physical appeal and determine if there is a good personality match. If Cosmo is correct- I am both impressed and horrified. It takes me about 4 seconds to register if a door says “push” or “pull”. There is no way I can judge someone’s entire character in that amount of time.

I think the only thing I can do within the first 4 seconds of meeting someone is determine if I find them physically attractive. So, while a woman’s brain is “working two fold” to gauge whether her potential mate is a good match on a physical and intellectual level; a man is just playing an internal game of “hot or not”.

30 seconds in.

Like with any interview, on a first date, you come prepared with a few standard questions and answers. This is where you use those to avoid any awkward silences right off the bat. During this time I am focusing on eye contact (IE not checking out your breasts like I really want to) and nodding and smiling.

It is also important to note that by this point in the date I have already checked out your body for “breeding compatibility”. It is an innate behavior that, as men, we cannot escape, ancestrally speaking (so you can’t blame us).

5-Minutes in.

This is the point in the date where you start getting comfortable.. or very uncomfortable depending on how things are going. Cosmo points out that, at this point in a date, you begin mapping out similarities since you are more compatible with someone who is like you (duh, thanks for pointing this out cosmo). However, before that can happen you need to get to the comfort level where you start opening up to each other. That's why it is important to first break the ice in order to help ease any tension and stress caused by being put in a situation with a stranger who you have to simultaneously judge and try to impress.

Alcohol is the typical tool used for loosening you up, but that can often lead to poor decision making and awful first impressions (we have all been there). Instead, I find that humor is a good tool for breaking the ice. Scientifically, laughter releases endorphin's (chemicals that make you happy) and helps eases the nerves. Socially, who doesn’t like to laugh?  Luckily, humor is my social crutch so this comes naturally to me. The sooner you can crack a joke and “share a laugh” the quicker you can start to bond. I use humor to help create a bond, some guys use other methods like magic- They are called douche bags… sorry, I mean Illusionists. Just do whatever comes naturally to you.

10 minutes in.

Cosmo says that you will start to mimic each other’s movement since we tend to mimic those we find attractive. To me, mimicry at this point in the date shows nervousness. You might mimic the other person’s movements, but that is only because you want them to accept you (consciously or unconsciously). It is OK to be nervous - you have only known this person for 10 minutes, and if you are starting to like them you are grasping for ways to make a good first impression. It may be a ballsy move, but I find that just the act of verbally acknowledging your nervousness helps ease the nervous.  Plus, as a guy, it is nice to know that the girl you are out with is in to you and that any odd behavior is being caused by nerves and not utter disgust. Remember, acknowledge the nervousness as a side note and move on. Don't harp on it as the new, even more awkward topic of conversation.

Here are some things I do when I am nervous:

-          Dance or sway even if there is no music.

-          Mumble incoherently.

-          Play with my nonexistent beard hair.

20 Minutes

In cosmo’s words, “Our ancestors wouldn’t accept food from a stranger, so sharing plates on a first date shows trust”.  Our ancestors would also club a female they find attractive and drag her back to their cave.  In actuality, we accept food from strangers all the time. That is pretty much the entire concept of eating out at a restaurant. In fact, I know quite a few women who date just for the free meal. So, as a man, I usually like to have the first date at a wine bar. This way we have options:

1. If it is bad- we can get one drink and leave immediately.. because I have a thing with ahh some friends.
2. If things go well- we can order some food to share. Sharing food is intimate and a lot more cost effective than getting entrees at a restaurant.
3. If things are going really well- we can get two drinks and go back to my place...?

Basically, it's good to have options so you can call an audible depending on how the date is going.

End of the night.

A goodnight kiss is always a nice way to enhance the bond…  I think our ancestors would agree with that as well.

How You Can Get Arrested For Hotel Sex

Q. On Vacation, my guy always wants to have hotel sex first thing. Why?
A. So that he can get it out of the way and enjoy the time with you.... without his penis constantly nagging for hotel sex.


There is actually no scientific reason for men’s need for hotel sex. It is one of life’s great mysteries. Why would a man want to ejaculate into a woman in a strange room on top of linins that may or may not contain other foreign substances? Cosmo believes that men will have sex anywhere and that a hotel room is perceived as “socially acceptable and wont potentially lead to their (men’s) arrest”.

Yes, because as men those are our main concerns when it comes to consensual sex; society’s willingness to accept our chosen location and the likely-hood of being taken into custody during intercourse.I have news for you Cosmo. There are plenty of scenarios in which sex in a hotel room can lead to an arrest. So, today we are here to prove cosmo’s hotel sex theory wrong.

5 ways to get arrested for hotel sex

1. Prostitution - A hotel room is a prostitutes favorite breeding ground.. have you not seen pretty woman??? 
2. Sodomy - In many states this is still illegal- damn it 
3. Rape - Fortunately rape is not legal anywhere. Not even hotel rooms. Remember, consent is an important aspect of sex 
4. Kleptomania - Don’t steal things during sex. It may be hot in the moment, but besides the mini bars of soap and shampoo, theft is very much a punishable offence. Unless you steal my heart. Actually don’t ever use that line. That should also be a punishable offense. 
5. Bestiality (or zoophillia) – Not only is this act not legal, but many hotel rooms do not allow pets and ones that do require a significant deposited. So, not only could you be prosecuted by law, but you might also have to pay a room cleaning fee. Just doesn’t seem worth all the extra cash to me 

Because Men Know Romance

Yes, men do know romance! Thanks for having our backs cosmo. From spooning in bed to cutesy text message exchanges, I can hesitantly get behind everything on this list. That being said, you would think comso would choose a more romantic looking photo to go along with this eye opening article. Maybe a man and woman holding hands or something a little more risky like a couple’s bubble bath? But no, cosmo decided to go with this elegant picture where this man is clearly fingering this woman under her skirt in public. Now that is romance! This probably happened after a night of dry humping at a bar, which would have been at least number three on my romance list. Because nothing says romance like the smell of stale beer, and heavy petting through denim while a large group of uncomfortable strangers glare and judged you.

Cosmo answers why you are so hungry all the time

I don’t know maybe it is caused by EVERYTHING published in this magazine? This Q&A is literally surrounded by articles about dieting and exercise. Also, that cake looks delicious.. but you can’t have any if you want those flat abs and great butt like the lady on the bottom of the page.

What the Heck is a Poxie Pomp!?

I am just going to say it; no one should ever be caught “rocking” this hairdo…ever.  The only way you should even consider it is if you are attempting to use it to smuggle drugs across the state boarder. As someone who knows nothing about fashion, any hairstyle that is influenced by 80’s pop and described as “boy-meets-girl style” is something I would stay away from. That’s just me though… I mean unless of course you are attending the butch lesbian masquerade.

Is This Dude Nude?

Really cosmo? Fake celebrity porn? What’s next, malware?

At least find some pics with them in somewhat sexy or provocative poses. I really hope there are no teen girls out there using this for bedtime material.

“Oh yea, Mark Wahlberg you walk sooo briskly with that cup of liquids.. You don’t want to spill any of that do you?”

“Hello Alex O’Loughlin, I have never heard of you, but do you have anything in that 7 eleven bag for me? Maybe some Taquitos or a buffalochicken roller?”

“ You carry that dog Justin Bartha. It looks so heavy! Its like a sexy suitcase that eats its own poop.”

May god have mercy on the soul of whoever conceptualized this piece.

I now need to go shower and throw up simultaneously..