Because Men Know Romance

Yes, men do know romance! Thanks for having our backs cosmo. From spooning in bed to cutesy text message exchanges, I can hesitantly get behind everything on this list. That being said, you would think comso would choose a more romantic looking photo to go along with this eye opening article. Maybe a man and woman holding hands or something a little more risky like a couple’s bubble bath? But no, cosmo decided to go with this elegant picture where this man is clearly fingering this woman under her skirt in public. Now that is romance! This probably happened after a night of dry humping at a bar, which would have been at least number three on my romance list. Because nothing says romance like the smell of stale beer, and heavy petting through denim while a large group of uncomfortable strangers glare and judged you.

Cosmo answers why you are so hungry all the time

I don’t know maybe it is caused by EVERYTHING published in this magazine? This Q&A is literally surrounded by articles about dieting and exercise. Also, that cake looks delicious.. but you can’t have any if you want those flat abs and great butt like the lady on the bottom of the page.

What the Heck is a Poxie Pomp!?

I am just going to say it; no one should ever be caught “rocking” this hairdo…ever.  The only way you should even consider it is if you are attempting to use it to smuggle drugs across the state boarder. As someone who knows nothing about fashion, any hairstyle that is influenced by 80’s pop and described as “boy-meets-girl style” is something I would stay away from. That’s just me though… I mean unless of course you are attending the butch lesbian masquerade.

Is This Dude Nude?

Really cosmo? Fake celebrity porn? What’s next, malware?

At least find some pics with them in somewhat sexy or provocative poses. I really hope there are no teen girls out there using this for bedtime material.

“Oh yea, Mark Wahlberg you walk sooo briskly with that cup of liquids.. You don’t want to spill any of that do you?”

“Hello Alex O’Loughlin, I have never heard of you, but do you have anything in that 7 eleven bag for me? Maybe some Taquitos or a buffalochicken roller?”

“ You carry that dog Justin Bartha. It looks so heavy! Its like a sexy suitcase that eats its own poop.”

May god have mercy on the soul of whoever conceptualized this piece.

I now need to go shower and throw up simultaneously..

6 Ways to Ace a First Date

According to Cosmo dating is a test, this article is a study guide, and your teacher is a gay dude in a lavender sweater. This dude may be able to rock a pair of skinny jeans much better than I can, but I think I can add some valuable points to another poorly thought out Cosmo advice article.

Let’s break this puppy down point by point.

1. Play a little hard to get = Don’t sleep with him on the first date.

To be honest, I like it if you are a little eager before our date. That makes me feel more confident. Just don’t give it up immediately after the first date. . Wait until at least the third date before you let him insert himself into you. In order to build some allure you need to let him masturbate to the thought of it a few times first.

2. Show up on time.

I like how in their first point Cosmo specifically says not to reach out to confirm plans because it makes you seem too eager. Yet, in point number two, they are telling you to be prompt.

i.e. Don’t confirm the date because that is pathetic. Just show up 10 minutes early without speaking to him first. This way you can show him how efficient and enthusiastic you are”. Thanks Cosmo.

I agree that it is a good look to try and be prompt for your date, but I am usually running 5-10 minutes behind, especially if I am meeting you after work. I don’t mind if you are a few minutes late as well... just as long as you don’t leave me hanging for an hour. How you put yourself together tells me more about how ”into it” you are than the time you arrive.

3. Talk about yourself.

As a comedic Vaudeville act in the early 1900’s would probably point out, this should not be a problem for most women and, as men, we won’t really be listening anyway. One hundred years later and our thinking has not changed much. We expect that you will be enthusiastically talking about yourself and if you are not we will assume something is wrong.

However, here are two important pieces of advice:

1). Talk about yourself, not your ex-boyfriend who “you no longer care about."

2). Your hopes and dreams= intimate. Weirdest place you have ever had sex= psycho.

Seriously though, if I am into you I definitely want to know more about you. I will ask you questions. Ask them back. Also, be sincere.

4. Let him be a man.           

The Cosmo article talks about chivalry here. I have never been on a date where a girl has made me feel bad for opening a door for her. I am also not sure how many feminists are reading Cosmo magazine. Personally, I do typically pay for the date. Even if it was a terrible first date and I have no intention of going out again. What can I say? I am a nice Jewish boy. That is why I like to opt for drinks on a first date and save dinner for the second or third time we go out.

If I were the author of the article I would have gone in the direction of emasculation. As a 5’8 Jewish boy who has never been in a physical altercation I am fairly easily emasculated. I do not need any help from you.

In general, men can be sensitive when it comes to challenging our masculinity. Especially when trying to make a good first impression. In order to avoid any male meltdowns, here are some things I would abstain from asking him to do on the first date:

1). Carry you

2). Defend you

3). Lift anything as a test of strength

4). Talk about Disney movies

5). Braid your hair

Lastly, please do not refer to him as “adorable”.

5. Never fake a laugh.

Laughing is typically a positive sign. It shows that you are having a good time and are enjoying the conversation. Most girls say that they are looking for a guy to make them laugh. So we often gauge how good of a time you are having based on your laughter. I always feel good once I get a good belly-laugh out of a girl that takes her by surprise.

However, not all men are as charming and witty as I am. In my opinion, it is fine if you want to fake a laugh to show you are enjoying yourself. Just don’t force it or overcompensate. Maybe start with a fake giggle depending on your acting skill set (I think there are many similarities to faking an orgasm here. If he catches you faking be prepared for him to desperately try harder).

Just know that he may only be pretending to care about those pictures on your phone of “the cutest dog or baby nephew in the world”. So, it is only fair for you to only pretend to think he is funny.

6. Make the date last longer.

I am assuming at this point in the date you would have been too busy talking about yourself all night  (see #3) to have kept track of time anyway.

I actually agree with this last statement. If you are having a good time then let him know. Don’t be afraid to suggest hanging out longer and a change of scenery… just as long as you don’t drag him to someplace weird. IE another bar for a nightcap or a walk in the park= good. Abandon warehouse or strip club= bad (I don’t care how much of a guys, girl you are. No man can keep up his first date charm while staring at stripper titties).

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Using a Vibrator to Make Sex more Exciting

I just want to make a quick yet crucial clarification.
Vibrators are a turn on during sex when you use them on YOURSELF. Please do not get carried away.

Also, thanks Indiana University for this useful and informative study.

Turn Him Into Man Mush

I agree that a massage can be a huge turn on.. however I'm not sure how additionally horny boosting my immune system makes me. Since when did flu prevention became an afrodisiac let alone any type of motivation for a sensual massage? I am also not sure how effective lube will be in the shower.

That being said, you had me at "Man Mush". A massage in the shower can never be a bad thing. If boosting his immune system serves as some type of motivation then so be it. I am really just looking forward to when they find a sex position that may help prevent cancer.